ORDER. ORDER. BIT OF SHUSH PLEASE.
Alastair, Andrew, Fiona, Amanda – can you tone it down a bit, please? Thank you.
I’d like to welcome you to the People’s Revolutionary Council meeting for September 2009.
Now as you know this council was set up early in the recession to help transition former high fliers from the financial services sector to the new realities of life in a downturn. I don’t want any trouble as I read out the edicts outlining precisely what it is that you must give up.
No thank you, Amanda; I don’t want a chicken and mushroom vol-au-vent with parsley garnish. Yes, I do understand they are delightfully more-ish but I’m a bit busy just now.
The first item on the agenda is consumer spending. The council has reviewed your past behaviour and frankly, we are shocked. Branded clothing, electronic gadgetry, new cars, glamorous minimalist extensions, international travel – to say nothing of your outrageous restaurant bills. How could you people have thought this lifestyle was sustainable?
No, Alastair, I don’t want a Corona with a twist of lemon. What I would like is a glass of water. Not Perrier. Not San Pellegrino. Not anything from a bottle. Just plain water. Yes, I do mean ‘out of a tap’. Yes, you can drink water out of a tap in Australia and no, this is not a recent initiative. It’s been available for quite some time. No Alastair, you can’t do a deal with the water providing authority to franchise the concept overseas.
We at the council have considered your spending behaviour over the last few years of the boom and have decided that you should be relocated out of your waterfront homes to lovely homes in a nearby inland suburb.
Could someone please attend to Fiona? She seems to have fainted.
You see, the way we want to organise society now is a bit different to the way things have been organised in the past. Don’t get me wrong: there’s still a place for really really rich people; we’re not communists. It’s just that with the onset of the recession, we’ve decided that premium real estate should go to people who, you know, do stuff – people like builders, manufacturers and entrepreneurs; people who employ people who produce stuff that people use. You have to admit, it’s got a ring to it.
I’m sorry, Andrew, could you repeat that? Yes, I know this is a radical idea but tough times call for bold new thinking. No, this is not a wicked plot by subversives. It’s a recession. There have been recessions in the past and there will be recessions in the future. This one is ours. All ours. And we have to respond to it the best we can.
The next item on the agenda I have titled ‘Elimination of Extraneous Property’.
Yes, ‘extraneous’ is a big word, Fiona, it means unnecessary.
Things like holiday homes and vineyards all come into that category. I’m afraid they all have to go into the pot for redistribution and probably for a price that is less than you had imagined. You see, without inflated annual bonuses there’s just not enough money coming into your bank accounts for you to sustain this kind of lifestyle.
I’m sorry Alastair, ‘money coming in’ is a highly complex accounting term and I should have explained it first. It means that you aren’t earning enough money to cover repayments. And when that happens you have to sell the property. Why? Because you’re not earning enough money to cover … never mind. You just have to sell. Okay?
Do you not understand where I’m coming from with all of this? Money coming in must equal or exceed money going out. I know this is a difficult concept to get your head around, but it was a principle that prevailed before the boom and I’m pretty sure it will remain a fashionable idea during and after the recession.
Next item to be discussed is the luxury boat.
Yes, I know I’m treating the luxury boat as if it were a luxury, Amanda. But that’s because a luxury boat is a luxury, Amanda.
Well, says me, Amanda.
I am aware that you think it’s essential to have a luxury boat to do your creative thinking but there are people who manage to do creative thinking while mowing the lawn and that doesn’t cost them a cent.
Mowing lawns? It means getting out a lawn mower and … never mind.
I think the problem is that over the last five years you people have raised consumer expectations to unsustainable levels. It’s now time to take stock, to recalibrate and to recast consumer and property expectations based around the notion of true value.
That’s the way Amanda, toss out that vol-au-vent lifestyle and engage with a simpler life based around cheese and bikkies.
It’s not hard: it’s just different. And that’s the way you will need to behave until the next boom.
words bernard salt illustration peter hollard